Postpartum Anxiety | Project 365 {Days 26-34}

This blog is a part of my project 365 series. Documenting life and sharing too much, every day, for 365 days. 

I started getting panic attacks in high school.

Sometimes I won't have any for months. Some weeks I spend more nights curled up in the bathtub then I spend in my actual bed. Some days I can stop them in their tracks - some days they stop me in mine.

I never had postpartum anxiety with my oldest two kids. If anything my anxiety went into 'remission' while pregnant & when they were first born. So it took me by surprise this time around.

Since I've been having panic attacks for years I didn't really think much of PPD until I was in it - I just ignorantly assumed it was one in the same with regular anxiety. Holy fuck was I wrong. For me the panic attacks postpartum were much deeper - darker - scarier. There were many days I didn't make it out of bed. Several times I made my husband miss work because I was so paralyzed by fear that I didn't trust myself to exist - let alone to parent.

I tried medication. I tried therapy.  I had my placenta encapsulated. I was miserable.

 Thankfully my husband is well versed in my breed of crazy and I have an amazing neighbor who I was able to bear my soul to regularly. I cannot stress enough how important "letting it out" is. The more I tried to 'hide' it - the further I spiraled, so I stopped hiding it, and in typical Megan fashion, made everyone around me a little uncomfortable with my bluntness. Being able to talk through it with them helped a lot. In contrast to the usual "stay away from Dr. Google" - looking up postpartum anxiety and reading about common experiences & stories from other moms really helped. It wasn't "normal" but it was painfully common, and thankfully temporary. 

Six months in and I feel back to my version of normal. I'm hesitant, perhaps superstitious, to say that I'm out of the woods - but I can say things have gotten much better.

It's always comical to me when people compliment me on how well I handle having three kids or life in general. Life is beautiful but don't be fooled for a moment that just because I (or anyone else) post sweet pictures and experience moments of great joy that I don't struggle with my own demons. We all do. C'est la vie.

Day 26 : December 10

Day 27 : December 11

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Day 28 : December 12

Day 29 : December 13

Day 30 : December 14

Day 31: December 15

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Day 32 : December 16

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Day 33 : December 17

Day 34 : December 18

St. Augustine Photographer | Project365 {Days 17-25}

When I look back at pictures from this phase of my life I want them to actually bring me back to this phase of my life.

I have more pictures then I would like to admit where I got irritated because one of the kids weren't smiling for the camera: "Smile! Come on look at me!" or where I stopped their simultaneous  joy "say cheeeeseeeeee". After enough coaxing and snapping, the thought out smiling & posed photograph is born.

I cringe looking back at many of them.

Those images are not a true representation of our life. That moment that was captured, that was frozen in time, was me being frustrated that things weren't going how I wanted them to - how I expected them to - how I wanted others to see them. 

 My kids in cute color coordinated outfits and big smiles are always ascetically pleasing. But that's not what my life looks like.

In reality my life is messy. It's mis-matched outfits, and often no outfits at all. It's peanut butter and jelly stained faces. It's tantrums. It's markers on the couch and crumbs in the outdated minivan. It's "I thought the shoes were already in the car", and now my kid is in public barefoot. It's going deaf from the dogs barking at the bird across the street. It's pure chaos.

BUT it's also my 2 year old rubbing her baby brothers ears to help him fall asleep. It's my 5 year old making me a surprise lunch when I'm napping with the babies. It's the girls staying up past their bedtimes laughing in their room and always falling asleep cuddled together on the top bunk. It's an oversized grin & excited arm flap every time you even look in my sons direction. It's the fearless Pomeranian that sat beside my head as I delivered my son and never leaves the side of the kids as newborns. 

The posing and planned outfits are beautiful - sure - but life is pretty beautiful without any of that too - even in the chaos. 

Forcing myself to stop forcing it - stop trying to get "the perfect shot" - has not only made photography so much more enjoyable - but it's made life more enjoyable too. Making a point to see the beauty in every day - and pausing to photograph it - to take it in - forces me to recognize beauty in places I would often overlook. And for that I am so thankful. 

 

For project 365 - part one and to learn more - click HERE

 

Day 17 : December 01

Day 18 : December 02

Day 19 : December 03

Day 20 : December 04

Day 21 : December 05

Day 22 : December 06

Day 23: December 07

Day 24 : December 08

Day 25 : December 09

My kid is not named after a camera | Cannon Daniel

When I was pregnant with my second baby we didn't know the gender until she was born. We also didn't know her name until after she was born. Boy or girl - we could NOT settle on a name. After she was born Milton said she looked like a Lena and I said OK - I was just ready for her to have a name at that point (incidentally I wasn't a fan of the name for the first few months).

Since we spent the better part of those 9 months thinking of names - it was a pastime that stuck around after she was born, even though we were not planning on having more kids (jokes on us). 

One night we decided Cannon would be an awesome boy name - and a few months later when we got pregnant - before even finding out the gender (although I intuitively knew well before the ultrasound) we remembered that name - and stuck with it. 

Given my job, people always assume he is named after a camera, which in retrospect makes sense. But REALLY - he is named after my dad - Chris Cannon. My dad has two girls, and my sister isn't having any kids, so I wanted to be able to pass down his name. Incidentally my love for photography comes from my dad without a doubt - although he was always more of a video guy then still photography. Admittedly I shoot with a canon camera, and always have, BUT I do so because of the name loyalty - even though there is no relation. My dad kept saying during my pregnancy that we were setting ourselves up for a strong willed rebel child with a name like that - and while he is only 6 months old- he is the happiest sweetest soul ever. Like seriously all you have to do it look in his direction and he gives the biggest grin and squeeks. 

So now you know! 

Also - I got a new canon (note the one N) on black friday - and the combination of Cannon with the new canon is pretty awesome if I do say so myself!