I wrote this long glorious post on 2016 last week. A list with explanations and links of why it was such a great year. Spent too much time on it. Then my page crashed and my blog platform doesn't have a way to save as you go (get with the program squarespace) so it's completely gone. I guess that blog just wasn't meant to be.
2016 was a really good year for me. It had it's ups and downs like any year, but the general feeling of the year is positive. So many opportunities in my personal and business life. Met some awesome people and grew closer to some incredible souls I'm so thankful to have in my corner.
But I've had this odd anxiety about 2017 for a little while now. A few weeks ago a friend posted a "2017 is going to be amazing!" meme of sorts. Threw me into complete panic for no logical reason. Perhaps my inner pessimist doesn't believe you get two great years in a row, or perhaps all the changes taking place are effecting me more than I am aware. I'm not fully sure where the anxiety is coming from, or comfortable sharing parts that I do worry about, but it's lingering all the same.
Last year I made a "vision board" on NYE of how I wanted 2016 to look. I was bursting with things I wanted to do in the new year and excitedly filled my board. This year when I sat down to draw mine, I had nothing. The desires that I had going into 2016, while intellectually still appealing, didn't excite my soul. One re-occurring mental battle I contemplate with increasing frequency is that of how much of our future do we have control over/ is this whole thing already mapped out. I drive myself crazy with this debate in my mind regularly, and I think it was leaking into my ability to come up with my vision board.
This year I want to find a way to better connect my brand. I'm an over passionate over-sharer and jumper of rabbit holes. I put it all out there, arguably too much of it. I want my images to be deeper and more reflective of how I feel when I write. I get a good amount of clients from Google/ people I don't know. People that don't follow my blog or social media accounts. I always wonder if they would still have hired me if they knew I was running around jumping in dumpsters, setting up protests in town and documenting mothers breastfeeding in public? I want the answer to be yes, but I also want (and need) to engage with people different than me - what is the happy medium here? I want my work to somehow universally reflect who I am, so when families see my site and book a session they aren't surprised by my excessive passion or lack of stereotypical professional boundaries. I don't know how to do that, but I suppose that's what my vision board would hold. A want to find a way to consolidate my works and be authentic in them all.
I also want (need) to be nicer. Mostly to my kids, but in general. I really want to find more joy in them and make more time for them. My children literally feel like limbs, a part of my being. And much like my physical limbs, I often take my children for granted.
I guess at the end of the day I have no idea what this year will look like, I don't have much in the way of expectations. And while it's in theory a good thing, I'm finding it a bit (a lot) horrifying. My typical drive is being overshadowed by a desire to rest and hibernate.
I do have many creative ideas buzzing around in my head lately but not much that is progressing. I wonder what will come to be, and if I have any control over any of it. Whatever the case I am thankful for this blog, this space. I feel lighter already having pushed my responsibilities to the side to write. I suppose this is my form of 'self-care'.
Here's to 2017 and proving these general pangs of panic wrong.